Hi there Bryn,
I really appreciate the time you have taken to read and critisize, but I do have a few counterpoints:
I should like to critique part of this work.
?The forest rolls out before the wanderer. It is green, verdant despite the baking heat, and epic. There is a smattering of crisp blonde leaves among the lush canopy, belying the early start of autumn.?
This opening paragraph has many classic mistakes: green and verdant mean the same thing, so use one word, or preferably none, since the reader will understand that a forest is green;?
That sentance probably would have read better as "it is verdant, despite the baking heat, and epic".
heat is hot without being baking; leaves are not blonde; why does the start of autumn need to be early?
I am afraid I don't really understand your point here; heat can be hot without being baking, leaves can indeed be blonde (very fine, thin, crisp leaves) and autumn happens to be early because for the purposes of this story, it is. If the reader is not informed about the extreme temperature, how are they to know? Just saying "heat" doesn't tell the reader just how hot and unbearable it is.
Telling the reader it is late summer/early autumn, in my opinion, fleshes out the world a little more. There are seasons, time passes, things change and the world moves on. It's not just a static world built around one event (in this case, the story).
?The uniform height of the trees creates a vast jade blanket under the yawning azure of the sky, interrupted only by a single, fierce white orb. The wanderer?s cape waves gently behind him, blown by the breeze that rustles his faded old tunic.?
?vast jade?, ?yawning azure?, ?fierce white?, ?faded old? ? an over-emphasis on doubled adjectives. One of the most basic rules of writing is to use such descriptive words only when required.
agreed, a few of these could be cut, but this is a short story and not a novel, so perhaps some intense scene-setting is required?
?Despite the waning summer, the searing sun beats down oppressively on the wanderer, and so he pulls the front of his worn hood down a little lower to shade his face.?
Waning summer is not the same as early autumn. The sun need not sear ? people understand that at this time of year it is hot. If the sun beats down, why is it also oppressive?
See, this - like before with the criticism of the decision to make autumn early and the leaves being blonde - seems akin to saying "why make the heroes hair ginger when it should be brown?"
The sun need not sear, but it does.
Have you ever been to a desert? I have, and I can honestly tell you "oppressive" is the only way i can actually describe the heat. it literally pushes down like a weight. This is not a warm afternoon in france, this is a 40 degree saharah-desert style heat. I don't feel that would be emphasized enough by just saying "it was hot, and the sun shone on the wanderer, so he pulled his cowl down further".
?He stands on a dry and dusty beige outcrop of rock, almost atop a mountain, and surveys the vast expanse of the forest?s canopy beneath him. Each tree is gargantuan, two hundred feet tall, with a coarse trunk as thick as a house. He can see the first of them at the bottom of the steep slope ahead, treacherous with loose stones and cragged handholds.?
Dry is already dusty; vast expanse ? you have already pointed this out. If you tell the reader how high the trees are, why call them gargantuan also? ?
I am afraid i have to disagree - dry is not necessarily dusty at all. A dry, alpine mountain is vastly differnent to a north american desert rock formation.
How big is gargantuan? I'd want to have a rough estimate at least.
This work displays most of the classic errors of writing. You overuse adjectives and have not established anything about your main character.
The fact that I have established more about the location rather than the character should hopefully imply that it isn't
who he is but
where he is.
You will doubtless be wondering if I can do better. .
Honestly, I wasn't. I critisize Ben Affleck constantly, at every given opportunity (like this one) in fact, but I don't think I would actually be a better actor. Keanu Reeves, however, is a totally different matter altogether.
Its not whether you can do better, it's whether you enjoyed the twist at the end.
?Night was at hand and it was time for me to hunt for food discarded by the citidenizenry. I stood up, my tattered parasol sending a shower of soot around me, then limped down Blackguards? Passage to the Hippodrome. My crutch thudded against grime-encrusted paving slabs. Between the din of the Hippodrome and the chaos of the harbour further south was a good area to search for scraps, but that fact was known to scores of other nogoths like me, each with their own territory, each nursing their hunger like an ulcer in the belly.?.
Just to say, I think the last sentance, at 49 words, is a little excessive. The optimum length of a sentance should be around 20 words, I believe.
Note that here I make one of the mistakes you have made, namely a superfluous use of the word tattered. But note how the main character of the novel is established. Note how the particular details of this opening paragraph set a scene ? in your opening paragraphs you use details, but they are so general as to convey nothing. Mine describe a person. This is crucial. Your reader has to grasp a main character immediately ? preferably in the opening line.
I do not believe your use of the word "tattered" is superfluous in the paragraph you posted. It is information we otherwise would not have and it helps build the character - if he can't even afford a new parasol, he must be pretty damn poor.
I notice you wrote your extract from the first person perspective in the style of third person. I found it a little grating - people don't talk in that way, so in my opinion, I think it would work better from third person. People don't give that amount of detail when talking to each other, and it reads as if it were a spoken piece, rather than a diary. I may be wrong there, but that's just the impression that I got.
Nitpick - "citidenizenry". Is this a world-specific phrase (Citi-denizen-ry) or a misspelling of "citizenry"?
This leads me to the subject of opening lines. Mine was written to intrigue the reader with mystery. Your main character is unknown after many words. All we can see is landscape. Your first line exudes blandness.
The main character is meant to be enigmatic. There are plenty of things in his description that lend an air of mystery to him. Your main character is not meant to be enigmatic. He is meant to be one with which the reader can identify and care about. The main character is unknown at the end of the story, because he isn't the star of it.
It is a question of what does he find in the forest.
I sincerely hope that this critique helps. I myself received many critiques of my early work, all of which pointed out my weaknesses. These lessons I hope never to forget.
It does. I have made a number of alterations based on your opinions (which will be updated shortly) - thanks again for your time and effort and good luck with your own writing!
